Today's Luncheon Guests

Lady Sarah Anne Chips, The Duchess of Crisps

Dr. Stephen and Marian Carrot Stick
Dr. Stick is the acting head of the National Health Service

His Honor Julian DeKenessy Diet Pepsi and his consort, Lady Jessica Plastic-Cup

Original Draft: The Miracle Worker (with L.S.)

The veranda. ELEPHIE ST. CLAIRE is sitting in the dark outside the party, poking holes in her Braille journal. Enter STEPHANIE ST. CLAIRE in evening gown, exhausted from an evening of dancing with Mr. St. Claire. A waltz can be heard faintly in the distance.

STEPHANIE: It's me, Stephanie St. Claire.

ELEPHIE: It's me, Elephie

STEPHANIE: You hurt me, Elephie, when you introduce yourself to me like that. We've talked about this so, so many times. I know it's you, Elephie. I introduce myself to you because you're blind. But I can see you. Just because I'm your stepmother doesn't mean I don't know who you are.

ELEPHIE: I think you're being pretty sightist.

Independent Woman

Tell me what you think about this:/ I put my lunch in an old plastic bag.

Point-Counterpoint

Point: Don't Dress Your Girls Like Tramps

Counterpoint: Do Dress Your Girls Like Tramps

Morning Show

Brian: Okay it seems we're having some connection difficulties. Bear with us Zonesters as we get Dr. Sally Tungmasters on the line.

What else can I tell you guys in the meantime? Well, Cynthia and I have joined a new church. I know this is going to make some of you pretty angry--and yes, I was a very enthusiastic member of the Colorado Springs Salvational Congregation, and I've got nothing but love for those guys, seriously I do--and I got nothing but love especially for pastor john out there.

But Cynthia, well, I gotta be honest, she was talking my ear off about inconsistencies in the scripture

Now, you guys know I'm an educated guy, but i'm not a big reader. But I got to reading some of the stuff Cynthia was printing off for me and I gotta say, it opened my eyes about the Lord, and about women taking their rightful place in the Kingdom of Heaven.

You Zonesters know I’m still a man's man--that's just who I am. But part of being a man is standing up for your women, which is why I let Cynthia take the lead on this one, and we started trying out the Mountainville Church of the Holy Lord. They've got a lay preacher, services take place outside. Sounds pretty hippy-dippy to a lot of you, I’m sure, but it's really meant a lot to me.

Now, I think we have a connection with Dr. Tungmasters, are you there?

Dr. Tungmasters: I’m here Brian but I can’t get the mic to work

Interview with The Congressman

Please welcome Congressman Draco Salazar van Droste. Take off your mask, Congressman, and have a seat.

I'm so pleased to be here Diane, but I'm afraid I'd rather leave the mask on.

I can barely hear you, Congressman. At the very least, please agree to speak directly into the microphone.

I'd rather not do that either, Diane.

Congressman, please.

Oh, I'm just kidding, Diane. Of course I'll speak into the microphone and remove my mask. As I remove it, you and your viewers will see quite why I keep it on. The entire upper half of my face hasn't any skin on it.

Must make campaigning time very hard for you, isn't that so, Congressman, hahaha?

Potential Names for Children's Joke Book

1) Gutbusters
2) Super Gutbusters
3) Super Gutbusters from Granny's Attic
4) 1001 Jokes To Tell After Dark
5) 1001 Super Gutbusters To Tell After Dark
6) Shhh...My Friend I Want To Tell You A Joke
7) 1001 Racially Sensitive Jokes for Kids
8) Now SMELL THIS: 1001 Jokes for Boys
9) The Butterfly Highway: 101 Nature Jokes for Children
10) Super Slutbusters